So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
