I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
