I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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