I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i love accidental penises.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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