Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
