So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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