Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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