Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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