He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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