Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
