yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
