I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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