She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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