I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
