I puked a lego.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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