Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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