Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
