My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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