i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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