paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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