you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just googled if crying burns calories
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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