Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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