I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
