So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize