im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
