and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
