How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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