i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
