The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
