my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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