she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
