I think I am morally bankrupt
my sisters under your porch take her home
please come you make the beer taste better
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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