What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
