So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
