Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize