Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
