I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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