ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This baby is an asshole
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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