I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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