My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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