I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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