Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
