my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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