Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
When did angry sex become our thing?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
