My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
