i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
