Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
