YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
