You're my little dorito
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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