im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
