Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize