Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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