You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
