So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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