That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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