I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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