you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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