my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
