You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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